Anonymous Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a giraffe.

This giraffe will not tell you her name. She is the Anonymous Giraffe.

The Giraffe waited, scanning the skies for any sign of flying pink pastry. She was relieved when she began to hear a meowing noise growing in the distance: "Nyanyanyanyanyanyanyanyanyanyan..."

Over the trees flew the Anonymous Nyan Cat, trailing rainbows behind her.

As the Nyan Cat landed, the Giraffe asked, "Did you find out what happened to the Koala?"

The Nyan Cat nodded, and said, "Nya^nyaaanyanya^nyanyan _nyaaa^nyan nya^nyanya^nyaaanya_nya^{nyanyanyanyaaan} _nyaaa^nyanyaaa^nyaaanya_nyaaan ^nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaanyaaanyaaa^nyanyan nya_nyanyaaanyaaa^nya_nya^nyanyaaanya^nyaaanyanya^nyanyan."

"Why is he selling clothes?!" asked the giraffe.

"^Nyanyaaanya^nyaaanyanya^nyanyaaanyanya^nyanyan _nyaaa^nyanyaaa^nyaaan nyanya^nyaaa_nyaaanyaaa_nyanyaaanyaaan nya_nyanya^nyaaanyaaa_nyanya_nyanyaaanyanyanyanyaaa^nyaaan. Nyaaa_nyan ^nyanyaaanya^nyaaanyaaa_nyanyaaa^nyaaanyaaanyan nyaaa_nya^{nyanyaaanyanyan} nya^nyaaanyaaa_nya^nyanyan nyanyaaa_nyaaa^nyanyaaa_nyanyaaanyaaa^nyanyaaan."

"Do you think the evil chicken could also be why the Frog went missing?"

"Nyaaa_nyanya_nyaaanyaaanyan. _Nyaaa^nyan ^nya_nyaaa^nyanyaaanyaaa_nyanyaaa^nyaaanya_nyanyanya^{nyanyanyanyan} ^nyanyaaa^nyaaa_nyanyaaa^nyaaanyanyan ^nyanyaaanya^nyaaanyanyan ^nyanyanya^nyaaanya_nya^nya_nyaaan. Nyaaa_nya^{nyanyaaanyanyan} nyanyaaa^nyanyaaa^nya_nyanya^nyan ^nyanyaaanya^nyaaanyanyanyaaa^nyanyanyanya_nyaaan."

"Oh, hmm, that might be the princess he wanted to get kissed by. I hope her shop was already frog-themed before he got there, because I can't imagine the alternative would be good." The giraffe paused for a moment. "How dangerous is this evil chicken?"

"Nya^nyaaanyanyan ^nyanyaaanyanyanyaaanyaaanyanya^nya_nyaaa^nya_nya^nyanyaaa^{nyanyaaanyanyan} _nyaaa^nyanyaaa^nyaaanya_nyaaan nya^nyaaa_nyaaa^nyanyanyan _nyaaa^nyanyaaa^nyaaan nyanyaaanyaaa^nyanyaaanyaaa^{nyaaanyaaanyanyaaan}."

"'FMLZT'?"

"Nyanyaaanyaaanyaaa^nyaaanyanyaaa_nyanyaaa^nyaaanya^nyan nyaaa^nya_nyaaa^nyanya_nyanya^nyaaanyaaa_nyanyaaa^nyaaanyanyan ^nyaaanyanyaaa_nya^nyanyaaanya^nyaaan nyaaanyaaa_nyaaa^nyanyanyanyanya^nyanyaaan ^nyanyaaanya^nyaaa_nyaaa^nyanyanyaaan ^nyaaanyaaa_nyaaa^nyanya_nyaaa^nyanyan ^nyanyaaanya^nyaaanyaaa_nyanyaaa^nyaaanya^nyanyanyan."

"Ah."

* * *

Meanwhile, the ghostly Anonymous Koala was caught in a debate.

"You really should leave now, while Dotrichabek is away!" he hissed. "I keep telling you, I'm not going to introduce you to Rana. What if she hands you over to him?"

"Surely he can't get here that fast," said the Frog. "Why don't you hold me, and then if things get bad, you can just toss me out the door? I'm small. He won't find me."

"He'll find me, though! I don't want to risk my unlife for your silly flight of fancy. What prince even were you?"

"You know I can't tell you that," said the Anonymous Frog.

"...Yeah, I know. Sorry."

"Alright, look," said the Frog after a moment, "this is important to me, and if you can't help me, I'd like to take my chances with her on my own. So, would you please open the door for me? I've made my decision."

The Koala sighed. "I was hoping you could get out and tell someone what had happened to me, but...good luck out there. Maybe this will be the one."

"Thank you, friend," said the Frog, as he hopped toward the doorway. "When I regain my status, I shall make sure your lack of name goes down in history."

"Excuse me, Princess Rana?" The Frog pulled himself over edge of the front counter, behind which the ghost princess lounged in a chair. "What a pleasure to meet you! I've been admiring your wonderful catalog of froggy clothes. I must say, I find it quite flattering, being of the anuran persuasion myself."

"Oh, you like them? I can't stand them. Dotrichabek just thought it would be funny because of my name. Why does a chicken even know that 'rana' means 'frog'?? At this point, I could do with never seeing another frog for the rest of my unlife. Or another chicken, for that matter, which is really messed up!"

"Oh. So I suppose you wouldn't want to kiss a frog?"

"Nope! Go away." She flicked her hand in the Frog's direction, and, much to her own surprise, sent him flying across the room, where he splatted against the wall.

Rana rushed forward. "Oh no, I didn't mean--" She stopped as she got to the counter and saw the fallen Frog, who was quickly growing and changing, until finally he sat, sprawled before her, in a translucent but distinctly human form.

The ex-Frog raised his hands in front of him and stared at them. "Amazing. It seems that passion can have the same power as compassion." He focused on Rana through his hands, then glanced frantically down at himself. "Wait, am I a ghost? Did you kill me??"

"I think if I'd killed you there would be a body," said Rana meekly. "I think I must have somehow given you some of my own ghostliness. It's probably mystical."

"Ah. Well. In any case, I must extend my gratitude for returning me to my human body, spectral as it may be. Is there anything I can do to repay you? The traditional reward, of course, would be my hand in marriage."

"You're not really my type. I'd have to think to come up with something else."

"Please, do so. In the meantime, could you do me one more favor? Do you have a mirror with which I may admire my restored princeliness?"

"Sure, yeah, over here." Rana led the way to a dressing booth at the back of the room and pulled aside the curtain.

"Ah, very good! Let me take a...look....
"....
"No.... This can't be right...."

"What is it?" asked Rana.

"I am no longer a frog! Why do I still feel so wrong in myself? If anything, it's worse! I can't bear to look at my reflection!"

"Okay, I know I said you weren't my type, but come on, you don't look bad. In fact, as far as I can tell, you're rather handsome."

"Oh, it's all very well for you to say. What I wouldn't give to have your beauty!"

"Are you saying you'd rather be a princess than a prince?"

"Well, who wouldn't?"

"Lots of princes, for a start. Look, is there anything actually stopping you from being a princess? Here, since you're a ghost, you can even change your form, if you really care about that. When you're a spirit, your body is just a matter of habit." She demonstrated, making her hair grow long and curly.

"...I can?" The newfound princess stared at the mirror and gradually began to shift, and then accelerated, until her image was practically flickering. Rana stepped out and waited, her hair slowly returning to its usual shape.

Finally, the other princess emerged, and stood in front of Rana.

"What do you think?"

"I think you have good taste," said Rana. "By the way, what's your name?"

"Oh, well, I ca-- Oh. I suppose I'm not the Anonymous Frog anymore, am I? But I can't say I have any name that I wish to return to. Hmm.... I suppose a frog-themed name might be in poor form?"

"You know, I think I'd actually be happy to have you in the frog name club, if you want to join me."

"Really? Well, in that case...let's see.... What about Kiwert? In Old Saikean, it means 'rebuild', as I have rebuilt myself, but the word 'wert' also means 'frog'."

"I like it," said Rana. She smiled.

"Now," said Kiwert, "it pains me, but I really must go. Have you thought of anything I can do for you?"

The smile slipped from Rana's face and she looked down at the floor. "...nothing you could do would help me. I'm fated to unhappily sell froggy clothes forever."

"If I can become a princess, perhaps you can change your fate. Will you not leave with me?"

Rana looked at the door to the shop in mixed hope and apprehension. "Alright." She grabbed Kiwert's hand. "Let's get out of here!" She ran to the door, pulling Kiwert behind her.

As the princesses ran out across the grass in front of the shop, they heard a humming noise behind them, and then--zap!--a laser blew a hole in the ground in front of them. Kiwert stumbled, and looked behind her. "Is that a flying machine with a laser that can zap things?!"

"Yes! It's Dotrichabek! Quick, we can take cover under the trees!"

Dotrichabek hovered lower in the FMLZT, preparing to zap the retreating princesses, but before he could, a giraffe ran up from behind him and whacked the FMLZT with the side of her head, sending it careening away!

Rana and Kiwert turned back around. "It's the Anonymous Giraffe!" exclaimed Kiwert. She started to run back. "And there's the Anonymous Nyan Cat!"

"Is that cloud with them as well?" asked Rana.

"^Nyanyaaanya^nyaaa_nyaaa^{nyanyanyaaanyanyan} nya_nyanyaaanyaaa^nya_nya^nyaaa_nyanya_nyaaa^nyaaanyan!"

"Ah yes, Cloudy the Cloud! How nice to meet you!" said Kiwert.

Cloudy looked appreciative in a cloudy sort of way.

"Is that you, Anonymous Frog?" asked the Giraffe. "Does this mean the true princess was inside you all along?"

"Something like that," said Kiwert. "But I'm not anonymous anymore. My name is now Kiwert."

"Nyaaa^nyaaanyaaa_nyanya_nyanyanyan nya_nyanya^nyaaanya_nyanyaaa_nyanya_nyanyanyan!"

"Why, thank you."

Suddenly, Cloudy dashed to the side, and refracted the laser that Dotrichabek had just shot at the group.

"Don't even think about leaving!" squawked Dotrichabek. "I will have you all as my cashiers!! Hahahahaha!!! Cha-BEK!"

"Not today, fowl fiend!" shouted Kiwert. "Let's get him!"

The Giraffe ran at the FMLZT, swinging her neck, while Cloudy intercepted laser zaps, and the ghost princesses launched spectral blows from below. The Nyan Cat flew into the clothing shop, and came out carrying the Anonymous Koala, who joined in the ghostly barrage from above. Finally, as the smoking FMLZT drifted to the ground, the Nyan Cat flew circles around it, and Dotrichabek, glaring out through the shimmering haze, teleported away, just before the machine exploded in a shower of stardust.

Rana ran to Kiwert and hugged her. "I can't believe we did that! Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't have to be doomed. I really hope I never have to see that shop again. Hey, Nyan Cat, would you be able to do that explodey thing again?"

"No, wait!" said the Koala. Everyone turned toward him.

"If it's all the same to you, I'd like to keep the shop," he said. "I've actually kind of enjoyed working there, and that's despite having an evil chicken breathing down my neck. It'd be a shame not to see what it's like with him gone."

"Fine," said Rana. "But can you please start selling some stuff that's not about frogs? Maybe add some sea slugs or something?"

"Good idea," said the Koala.

"Well," said Kiwert, "now that I am a princess, I must go in search of my castle! Rana, will you accompany me?"

Rana took Kiwert's hand. "I'd love to," she said.

Then everyone went their separate ways, and they all lived happily ever after. (Including Dotrichabek, somewhere, because sometimes you don't make a retcon.)

THE END